On Being Alive

Can I admit something? I kind of hate the word “survivor.” I actually prefer the word “victim.” The word “survivor” doesn’t really imply that one had any agency over the situation, only that they endured it. The word “victim” implies that someone else actively victimized the person. So I will own it. I was a victim. Caleb victimized me. I may have survived his abuse, but he was my victimizer, and the agency there was his.

I = victim.

Caleb = victimizer.

I just sent the complete draft of my book to my editor. I was greeted with an auto-reply that she’ll be out of the office until the 24th, and I’m dying. A friend said that this gives me time to relax, but I am so adrenalized right now. I finished this book, and it will need many, many revisions, but the bones are in place, and I am proud of that.

What does it take to let go of a story? Can I let go of this story now? Will I ever be able to let go of this story?

I have been flirting with someone. I have not told him my history. How do I tell someone I am interested in that I have been broken?

I know that I am not broken now, but how do I convey that over a beer or coffee?

To survive is merely to be alive, but not to live.

I am not a survivor. I didn’t survive that shit; I lived through it.

After I sent my final chapters, I felt euphoric. I wanted to cry happy tears. Then, I felt something else. I felt alone.

I had achieved something so important, yet I had no one to share it with.

I sat on my couch with my aloneness, and I allowed myself to feel it, then I realized that, if I hadn’t been alone, this book would not have been written.

So much of what I have accomplished has happened in solitude, so, though it has been lonely, I give thanks for my solitude.

And after sitting with my solitude for a while, I decided to write a blog post because I knew that would be a way for me to connect with other people. I knew that would be a way of expressing that I’m alive.

So, thank you dear readers, for helping me to feel less alone and more alive. I appreciate you.

I am alive, and so are you, and we are all survivors.

8 thoughts on “On Being Alive

  1. The desperation through being an isolated victim of loneliness and smear campaigns, people, family that just don’t want to hear it, friends that get tired of it and say, “It is not healthy to talk about him,” deny that we have been victimised on every level imaginable. I hear and feel every word you speak as I am still a proud and highly sensitive empath and intuitive. I am honoured to hear your words validate my experience through the decades of pain and long suffering that I have endured too! You are expressing yourself honestly and openly, transparently and all vulnerable. We are victims and to say we are survivors kind of robs us of the entire journey to get there that involves endless torment and lengthy endurance to be what they asked of us, loyal, dependable and the one to fix their illusion!

    The abusers do not have this sense of self nor do they want to burn bridges as everyone they encounter is locked away in their private stash just in case they have the need to use that object for their own needs or wants. All I can say is that you, I and we have proven beyond all evidence that we stayed true to ourselves and they cannot kill that part of us off!

    Today I write to you as you came up in my feed on wordpress and immediately felt compelled to write to you dear victim. There are higher forces at play and our hearts grief and sufferance will be dealt with beyond anything that we could imagine on this earthly plane. Just imagine how it will feel to be the witness to your own persecution and those that have neglected you, those that have caused piercing and yet a heavy burden on your life, quite simply because you are a caring and compassionate woman. Please take my writings onboard and I can tell you that you have three guides above you and around you. One you may recognise is quite ecclectic an wore clothing that was not the usual and that is my gift to you today and when you realise that personality that is passed over, you will know that your courage is applauded and that it is true! Go forward and give nothing away of your past live and I know it is difficult, you will be guided by your three guardians so go forward with the knowledge you are not walking this path alone, we are one and we are many! I don’t usually do readings but your angels came in quickly and I wanted to give you reassurance. Happy Easter=you have died but clawed your way back and no, it is not fair, nor just and now you must LIVE! xox


  2. What we are is all on us! Sometimes, its us who victimises ourselves.
    A word to smile at,
    A phrase to sing along.
    Don’t call me names back,
    According to where your wishes belong.
    I am alive and breathe this air.
    Just like the nightmares are true and world is fair!


  3. Linda

    Having been brought up in an earlier generation, one who was taught to remain silent and hunt for solutions, I marvel at your willingness to name names and air deeds. My solution came in outliving my abuser. My return to happiness has been marred by flashbacks and panic attacks, but I have arrived. When I look back at my abuser, it is with fondness for the many good times we shared. I am filled with gratitude for the children who are his as well as mine. Sometimes I miss him. I hope someday you will reach this place of peace.


  4. Pingback: My first blogger recognition award – The 365 blog

  5. tchialianhong

    I read your report. Caleb victimised you-how? Is it rape? Is it molest?(In Malaysia molesting is sometimes called “outraging (her) modesty”) Did he legally steal money from you?(aka: Illegally steal money) Did he tell you to work labor w/OUT paying you? Did he tell you to work labor, pay you, but prosecute you/persecute you when you asked a member of his family to, subsequently, work labor for him? Did he tell you that God from (any) particular religion w “help you”? Did the police not accept your report?-That, also, has been known to happen? Did the police put you in prison when you reported him(aka: police “arresting the victim”?-That, also, has been known to happen. ANOTHER point: You write: How do I tell someone that I like that I have been broken? The answer is: It is unlikely he w like to know. I know. I know. This is not a nice answer. I base this answer on women in my community in Malaysia where I live who have asked me for advice and have related their cases to me. My advice is to not find another partner, for as long as it takes,…… and when finally you do decide to find another partner, that you find someone in your “bad experience” level. You have to remember: Hollywood movies of the type of your case are not how it legally works in America. And that there are women in America who proceed w their lives as per the advice I described. Happy Chinese New Year 2017 of the ROOSTER Gong Xi Fa Chai.


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