The Letter

I received my ex-husband’s court mandated letter of apology today.  Words can’t really do justice to how inadequate a letter—which he was forced to write—feels so I won’t even try. Thank you to everyone who has read my blog and offered support. That support makes moments like this sting a little less, so truly, thank you.

12 thoughts on “The Letter

  1. deereeder

    Wow, notice that he emphasized that he was sorry about the one incident leading to the arrest, and everything after the arrest. I feel like it was a coded message to you that I was NOT sorry about the whole history of abuse. Why did he focus so much on the arrest and after?


  2. I think this is what happens with a forced apology, which is why it's a ridiculous punishment to give a domestic abuser. He didn't really want to acknowledge anything else that had happened–although obviously I have plenty of emails and letters that do acknowledge other incidents, but they were from when he was trying to get me to stay and apologizing in a more sincere tone. This apology came after I divorced him and made it clear that there was no hope of reconciliation, so he had no reason to feign sincerity. Also, the arrest is a matter of public record, so I think he worked very hard to only admit to anything that could be found out through a basic background search anyway, and I suspect that he was concerned about further legal action and not wanting to have anything on record that might admit to a pattern of abuse. Obviously, the prosecutor's office has a copy of this letter, and many abusers end up re-offending, so his lawyer probably advised him to think of potential further cases because the sad reality is that lawyers are aware that they will likely be representing domestic abusers more than once.


  3. Anonymous

    This really reads to me as “I'm sorry I was arrested. Everything was really hard for you after I was arrested. If I had not been arrested everything would have been fine.”

    Uhg, gross.


  4. Yes, it really hurt to receive this letter. I had expected something better, although I'm not sure why I would have expected more from him. But despite the hurt the letter caused me, I think it was good because, with the help of my friends, I was able to dispel some lingering ambivalence that I still felt about my ex-husband, and I was able to see that this was truly not my fault. He is an abuser at his core and won't change. I didn't deserve what he did to me, and there is nothing I could have done to change it.


  5. Anonymous

    I stumbled upon this blog and read many posts. I am sad this happened to you. Your courage is amazing and may your future be bright as well as your son's.


  6. Anonymous

    Maya Angelo's mother once commanded Maya to embrace her power as a woman. And Maya did!
    So with that, I'd like to imagine Maya's mother reading this letter and then turning to you and saying, “You did NOT have any difficulty caring for your own child, you are a strong, powerful Mother. You were NOT embarrassed to continue going to work, you were powerfully courageous. Who told him such lies about you?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Pingback: On Power – Apology Not Accepted

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